


is it crazy (or am i falling in love?)

by jc_lewis



Category: SixTONES (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, F/F, Fluff and Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:00:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26253769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jc_lewis/pseuds/jc_lewis
Summary: Since the first year of high school, every afternoon when the clock tower would ring its grand bell Matsumura Hokumi would pretend to look out the window. Except Hokumi’s eyes never made it to the window, because they always landed on Tanaka Juri, who was usually taking her afternoon nap at her seat right besides the window. She thought her crush could never amount to anything except a fleeting high school memory. But perhaps that was changed - by a semester of longing, two weeks of tutoring, and a handful of fate's magic.
Relationships: Matsumura Hokuto/Tanaka Juri
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	is it crazy (or am i falling in love?)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [j4ponica](https://archiveofourown.org/users/j4ponica/gifts).



> a fanfic exchange and a gift for one of my favorite authors jabonica. 
> 
> i am posting this way past the due date but hopefully you enjoy it nonetheless. as i experienced some difficulties writing it, i wrote it in a style i've never used where it is in drabbles, almost diary style. also, in case it wasn't apparent yet, this is a genderswap au. 
> 
> matsumura hokuto - matsumura hokumi (F)  
> tanaka juri - tanaka juri (F) (well, because 'juri' is technically julie according to mama tanaka)  
> kikuchi fuma - kikuchi fumiko (F)
> 
> there are several other easter eggs in the fic so see if you can find them all. 
> 
> the prompt:  
> juri is a popular girl in school and hokuto, the wallflower tries to confess to her but fails miserably. then one day, juri confessed to hokuto out of the blue. in here, juri is closet gay and hokuto is confident (but still closet) gay. 
> 
> lastly, when i was writing this i was inspired by 'crush' by david archuleta which is a blast to the past. so that's a motif here (as you can see it is named after that song).

**April, First Year**

Every afternoon at 3:15 p.m. the clock tower would ring its grand bell, and Matsumura Hokumi would pretend to look out the window. In the spring, cherry blossoms fluttered about and in the winter the large flakes melted onto the glass on the frosty windows. 

No one ever suspected that none of this scenery compared to the girl who sat immediate to her left, who Hokumi secretly wished was not the most sought after girl in their high school. 

Afterall, her eyes always creased into the perfect smile every time she talked and even when she didn’t get enough sleep the night before she somehow managed to look perfect. 

Hokumi’s eyes never made it to the window, because they always landed on Tanaka Juri, who was usually taking her afternoon nap at her seat right besides the window. 

Spring or winter only mattered because it was an excuse to catch a few moments in time where she could look at Tanaka Juri, uninterrupted like it was only the two of them. 

She sighed. Why was Juri always so close yet so far? All Hokumi hopes for is to be next to Juri, just like this - for the next three years of high school at least. 

* * *

**April 15th , Second Year**

“Hokumi?” A voice broke her daze as her fellow classmates ushered the remainder of the group onto stage. She heard rounds of clapping from the audience and remembered that they were up next. She looked up and saw Juri besides her. 

“Are you nervous?” Juri was always considerate, even when they were rehearsing the performance for the school’s culture festival. 

“I’m fine.” Hokumi’s words were cold, despite how she had always felt about the girl besides her, “I’m ready.” Juri hands Hokumi her paper fan for the dance performance. 

For the last two weeks, the girls in Class 2-B had been rehearsing a fan dance for the school’s culture festival and Juri was the lead. That was Tanaka Juri’s charm - despite her lack of academic rigor, she was graceful and athletic.

Hokumi always seemed to space out more often than not when she was in Juri’s presence. As she finished her solo part, Hokumi realized she hadn’t worn her left shoe in all the way before getting on stage. One swift kick and her shoe flew to stage right, landing right in front of Juri. 

Before she could react, her position shifted even further from the shoe. Worried about ruining the performance for the group, Hokumi tried to cover up her mistake by moving forward as though she wasn’t half barefooted. 

Her eyes never left her lonely shoe sitting haphazardly stage right. But before she could make a move for it, it suddenly slid across the stage back to her. Juri winked and smiled at her before moving forward for her solo part. 

Hokumi’s heart skipped a beat. Juri always does this to her. 

* * *

**April 10th, Second Year**

It was on the third night of rehearsal that Juri noticed Hokumi on the same bus as her. They always took the same route home, but had somehow always missed each other the previous times. Juri always stood by the exit door and Hokumi always sat by the window in the last row. 

And for four nights in a row, Juri saw Hokumi through the crowd of people the second she climbed onto the bus. Hokumi was always looking out the window, lost in thought with her hair tucked behind her ear and her white earphones dangling from her ear. 

Every night, Juri caught herself lost in Hokumi until a whole week later when she managed to push through the crowd to the very back of the bus. 

“Hokumi!” 

She looked up, surprised at someone calling her name. Juri tried to wave, but the bus jolted to a start and she was awkwardly swung to the side by the handle she was holding onto in front of Hokumi’s seat. 

“What...what are you…” Hokumi was at a loss of words, unsure how to register Juri’s sudden appearance.  _ Does she always have to look this cute?  _

“I didn’t know you took this bus!” They were at the next stop and Juri took her chance to sit down next to Hokumi when the lady besides her got off. 

Hokumi nodded. She wasn’t sure what else to do when Juri’s arm brushed against hers, and her heart began beating so fast she was so sure the whole bus could hear it. 

Thank god she was blessed with a good poker face, despite the fact that some may call it a resting bitch face. She tried to keep her calm as she took off one of her earbuds and offered it to Juri. 

She smiled and took it. 

It was Hokumi’s playlist, yet she had no idea what she listened to for the remainder of that ride. All she could think about was how fate finally worked in her favor. It didn’t matter that she missed four stops in a row and walked an extra mile to get home that night.

Hokumi couldn’t break the moment. She thought she would never have a chance, not with Juri, who she was infatuated with romantically. 

Juri could probably only see her as a friend. Just a friend.

* * *

**May 20th, Second Year**

“Fuuuuuumiko.” Juri walked into the classroom with a dark cloud casting over her, her head drooping and her hair dramatically covering her face. She found her seat and sunk into it. 

“Woah. Woke up on the wrong side of bed?” Kikuchi Fumiko was Juri’s ride or die. They did everything together.

“I failed.” Juri turned her head resting on her desk to face Fumiko, “Again!”

“What about the summer festival then?”

She sighed, “My mom said I need to pass the next exam to go…” Defeated, she sighed again. How was one born so bad at studying? 

Fumiko pat Juri on the shoulder in consolation, “It’s okay, you can always wear the  _ yukata  _ at next year’s festival!” 

“I hadn’t even thought about my poor  _ yukata  _ that I won’t get to wear!” She began to wail, loudly. Mildly embarrassed, Fumiko looked around and an idea struck her.

She tapped Juri’s shoulder really fast. 

“Hm?” She didn’t even look up.

“I bet if you ask Hokumi really nicely she will tutor you.” Fumiko whispered, “She’s always number one. In  _ every  _ subject.” 

_ That’s right.  _

She sat up and looked over at Hokumi, who was quietly reading a book before class began. Juri smiled, like she had just found her savior. 

_ How could someone be so beautiful and smart at the same time?  _

* * *

**June 4th, Second Year**

The evening sun was particularly dreamy this afternoon, after a warm thunder shower had washed away the stuffy humidity leaving a surreal orangish glow. Two weeks ago, Hokumi agreed to meet Juri every other day at the bookstore at six for tutoring, because six o clock was when she clocked out from her part-time job at said bookstore. 

Monday was math, Wednesday was English, and Friday was Japanese Literature. On the first day, the two determined that science and the likes were a lost cause for Juri. At least English was just a battle of memorization. 

As Hokumi pushed her cart of books down the aisle, she stopped to look at her watch. Two weeks had gone by and her excitement was still unreal. 

She stopped and took a second and then a quick third gander, hoping that time was somehow passing faster. She sighed as she pushed the now empty cart back to the counter. Just as she swung the counter door open to help out at the register, a familiar face with a beaming smile and two waving hands approached the glass window. 

For someone who hates studying, Juri was sure excited.

She walked in and immediately signaled to Hokumi, who was busy checking out a guest at the register, that she will be waiting for her to get off work at their spot. Like a good student, Juri found her spot at the table and laid out all of her stationery, her notebooks, and organized each textbook so the edges all lined up. She never expected tutoring to be this much fun; perhaps she was born smart, but just never found the right way to study. 

She smiled as she twiddled her thumbs. 

* * *

**June 7th, Second Year**

Ever since their first encounter on the bus, Hokumi and Juri have been sitting together every night. Slowly, Juri has grown to like Hokumi’s playlist, and she found herself humming along to the tunes of these night time ballads throughout the day. 

After tutoring, the two girls ran to the bus stop together, covering themselves with their school bags as the rain picked up again and grew into a strong drizzle. They sat in the last row together as usual.

“It’s really raining hard, huh?” Hokumi said as she tried to wipe off as much water off of herself as possible. 

“Seriously!” Juri broke into a giggle, seeing how ridiculous the two of them looked. Hokumi laughed along. 

As the rain pattered onto the roof of the bus, Juri felt a wave of drowsiness fall over her. She propped up her chin with her hand against the window sill, but eventually her eyelids felt too heavy to stay open. 

Hokumi, staring down at her hands fiddling with the strap of her bag, did not notice Juri dozing off. Everyday she had been working up the courage to tell Juri how much she had enjoyed becoming closer to her. She wasn’t greedy; not Juri, she didn’t want to risk their newly budded friendship.

“These days have been fun.” She couldn’t find words, “How do I describe this…” 

She began to say how she felt and could not even glance up once to look Juri in the eye. 

“It feels surreal.” Hokumi continued, “I know it will end, but Juri - I…”

She took a deep breath, “I like you.” As she said those words, she could hardly hear herself say it over the sound of her heart threatening to pound out of her chest. Time seemed to slow down and eventually her anxiety settled into lulling regret and a fear of rejection. 

A long silence later, Hokumi hated herself for flinging her feelings onto Juri. She was secretly thankful that Juri chose to ignore her confession, so their friendship could continue.

She bit her bottom lip, holding back her disappointment, “Good night.” 

Hokumi’s stop arrived and she got off, without looking back once.

_ Am I crazy or falling in love?  _

* * *

**June 9th, Second Year**

The storm from the night before cleared up the skies for days to come and summer started to sprout into place. It was English Wednesday and since Hokumi had the day off, she and Juri agreed to study at the school library instead. 

When the last period began and the session turned into study hall with the teacher being out, Juri slid Hokumi a slip of paper and snuck out early. 

“ _ Fumiko and I are leaving. Meet me at the big tree next to the canteen after school.”  _ Juri signed off with a mischievous smiley face drawn in pink marker. 

She sighed. And then couldn’t help but smile. Juri was always up to no good, but she did everything Hokumi could only dream of doing. 

After school, Hokumi followed Juri’s instructions and waited for her under the tree, except soon the clock tower struck 4:00 p.m. and Juri was effectively over 30 minutes late. She folded her book with her hand in between the pages and looked at her watch again. 

_ Maybe she lost track of time. _ Hokumi began typing Juri’s name in the text box. 

_ Maybe she doesn’t want to come.  _ She stopped typing.

_ Maybe she is avoiding her now.  _ She backspaced every letter. 

The afternoon heat didn’t help her rationality. Hokumi knew it didn’t make sense, but she couldn’t suppress feelings of abandonment. She was stuck; she knew she didn’t want to bother Juri, yet she couldn’t bring herself to stop waiting. People came and left yet none of them resembled the girl she was desperately waiting for. 

“My phone died!” Half an hour later, a panting Juri came running towards the tree, “I-I…” She was eager to explain her tardiness, but was so out of breath from sprinting from the train station. She rolled her sleeves up and pulled up her hair. 

“I thought you weren’t coming anymore.” Hokumi thought she would be angry at Juri, but it entirely dissipated when she stood in front of her.

“And I can’t believe you’re still waiting for me!” She laughed, “Sorry I’m late!”

Still consumed in her own feelings, Hokumi muttered, “I thought maybe I did something wrong.” 

Juri smiled and leaned closer to Hokumi, who was sitting on the bench, “Such the eternal pessimist.” She ruffled Hokumi’s hair unexpectedly and if it weren’t for the heat, Hokumi would not be able to hide the heat from how flushed she became. 

_ Is this real or just another crush?  _

~ 

The tutoring session began late, so it soon passed dinner time and crept closer towards midnight. Since the library was not opened this late, they snuck into an empty classroom after the library closed and the security left for the night. 

Between Hokumi patiently explaining to Juri the differences between past tense and present tense of verbs and her intently grading Juri’s mock exams, Juri couldn’t help but admire just how wonderful Hokumi was. 

In the first tutoring sessions, she was thoroughly smittened by her tutor’s ability to teach, but soon she found herself distracted by her gentle eyes and her beautiful smile when she read something interesting. 

Even Fumiko was confused by Juri’s eagerness to attend the tutoring sessions. She could never sit still for even ten minutes to study. 

When Juri finished up the last mock exam of the night, the clock had struck past midnight. Juri yawned and stretched her arms. She looked over and found her tutor fast asleep against her desk. There was a strange irony that made her laugh seeing Hokumi sleeping on the desk. Even the model student could find a way to sleep in a classroom for once. 

Juri quietly slid her chair back and tip-toed over to Hokumi’s desk. She crouched down and gave her a soft nudge, but the other girl was in deeper sleep than Juri imagined. 

Juri didn’t realize how infatuated her smile looked as she brushed a lock of hair out of the other girl’s face. Her eyelashes were so beautiful and her nose was so perfectly sharp. Her sleeping face was even more mesmerizing and when Juri realized she got lost in it was when she had almost leaned in for a kiss. 

Juri had leaned in close enough to hear Hokumi’s soft purring as she slept.

She stopped right there. She finally confirmed it for herself. 

_ You got me hypnotized, so mesmerized. Are you also holding back like the way I do?  _

* * *

**June 18th, Second Year**

On the final night of tutoring, Juri finally posed the question to Hokumi. She hinted that she wanted to compensate Hokumi for the countless nights of tutoring. 

To Juri’s surprise, Hokumi seemed prepared to answer that question as she handed two tickets to Juri. It was a simple enough request and Juri happily agreed to attend the summer festival with Hokumi. 

On the night of the festival, Hokumi borrowed her sister’s favorite  _ yukata  _ and even used her hard-earned savings to visit the salon to get her hair tidied up into a side-do. There was no hiding how excited she was, and rightfully so. This had been her dream since the first year when they were seatmates. 

Thanks to Juri’s relentless studying she managed to pass every exam with flying colors, for her standards. When Fumiko heard the news, she happily invited the usual group of boys who fancies the two girls to go to the festival together. It wasn’t until the morning of the festival that Juri found out. 

She should’ve told Fumiko that she made plans to go with Hokumi. But she didn’t. It was then that she realized she was terrified of her feelings for her former tutor. And equally scared of everyone finding out her feelings.

Perhaps if she held back as long as possible, everything could return to the way it was. Or so Tanaka Juri thought. 

* * *

**July 31st, Summer Vacation, Second Year**

The air was sticky and smelled like takoyaki. Crowds of people, some dressed in  _ yukatas _ , moved along this long street filled with stands of food and games. It had been a long two months since Hokumi last saw Juri, so long that she anticipated this night with all of the highest hopes. All of which now felt more foolish than ever. 

She slowly tailed along the group, behind Fumiko and Juri laughing and joking with a few other boys from their class. She wasn’t even sure if Juri noticed her with the group. She was sure that Juri didn’t notice the effort she put into picking out the cutest  _ yukata  _ and she had been foolishly hoping Juri would compliment her hair. 

Hokumi fought back disappointment.  _ Perhaps she was the only one who got lost in the moment of time that they had together.  _

How does one rationalize the sadness with losing something that never was? 

She looked at Juri again. Her smile and the crease of her eyes were now the most painful things to look at. They reminded her of the time that slipped out of grasp before she knew she had to hold on to it. 

Her footstep slowed down. Juri was further away and ultimately, Hokumi turned around and walked away. 

~

Over the summer, Hokumi had secretly scouted the perfect location that overlooked the fireworks at the end of the night. It was a classroom in their high school that directly faced the location of the fireworks. 

Here she was. 

She sat on the floor by herself, holding a flyer she picked up from the floor and all it did was remind herself of how this festival should have only lived in her imagination. 

Creasing one edge over the other, she folded into a paper airplane that silently sailed across the room in a jagged path. Away from the noise and the crowd, Hokumi fought back the tears welling up in her eye. 

_ How could I be so greedy?  _

She knows her place. It wasn’t next to Juri. It was always further, like Juri was the brightest moon amongst the sea of stars. 

A sharp ring grew louder and soon a crisp crack broke into the sky. Hokumi instantly looked up outside and the burst of red and pink lit up the dark classroom. Drawn to the display of fireworks, a sudden voice behind her caught her off-guard. 

“Care to share the best spot for fireworks?” Hokumi knew this voice. 

“What are you doing here?” 

Juri walked over and sat down next to Hokumi, “Because I’m bored of everyone else.” Except only Juri knew clear and well that she just told a lie. 

“But everyone else seems awfully interested in you.” Hokumi instinctively wore her protective colors. Her words became sharp, in defense of her weak feelings. 

Juri sighed. That was the problem. She used to be thrilled with being the center of their attention, and even when Fumiko said she was a naughty girl for giving every guy who was head over heels for her an equal chance, Juri always knew that wasn’t the case. A small voice always told her: none of the guys stood a chance. 

“You know, Shota-kun asked me to watch fireworks with him.” Juri said, “And I knew he was preparing a confession.” Juri looked perplexed and sad, “You know what I did? 

“Hm?” 

“I ran away.” She looked down, unable to face her own emotions, “Why did I run?”

“Because you always hurt those who give you the most.” She knew the power of her own words, yet she chose them because she knew of no other way to express how much she wanted Juri to acknowledge her other than to push her away. 

“Maybe you’re right.” 

Juri’s acknowledgement was surprising, but more so was Hokumi’s sudden honesty in this moment. She knew this may be her only chance to ever say anything about how she felt.

“You always carelessly give me the worst hope.” 

“Hope for what?” 

“Hope that I can be the one next to you always.” She answered without hesitation and held her breath. Perhaps this was the end of their unwritten story. 

The void of silence was filled by the ongoing fireworks. The crackling display was the only sign that time hasn't stopped moving. Thoughts ran through Juri’s mind and she felt a surge of fear followed by relief. Some part of her saw this as a life-defining moment, but a great part of her felt an impending fear. 

“Hokumi, I…” She stuttered over her own words.  _ Why was she so defenseless against her own emotions?  _

Seeing Juri like this, Hokumi couldn’t say she was disappointed. She was so used to holding back. Llike every other time she was honest about her feelings, this outcome was too familiar. 

“It’s okay.” She clenched her fists in anger, at herself, at her ability to ruin everything good that happens to her. She looked at Juri, her beautiful eyelashes and even the way her brows furrowed when she was in deep perplexity. She knew she had to walk away from Juri, the girl who was her biggest weakness. 

“Wait, don’t go…” Juri reached up just in time to grab Hokumi’s wrist as she took one step out

“So that you can keep stepping all over my feelings?” Her voice cracked. Her eyes welled and her vision began to blur. 

Juri saw she finally did the last thing she wanted to do - that was to hurt a friend so dear to her. It pricked her heart, like thin little needles, a numbing pain. And all this pain was only telling her that if she chose to deny her own feelings any long she would lose Hokumi. 

Hokumi couldn’t hold herself together much longer and tugged to get out of Juri’s grip, to walk away before she hesitated again, but in the same split second by instinct Juri gripped harder. 

Surprised by Juri’s unwillingness to let go, Hokumi surrendered all her strength and Juri instinctively pulled her closer with a yank. Juri acknowledged she couldn’t lose Hokumi. As they stood merely inches apart, their matching heights allowed perfect eye contact and this time Juri did not run. 

She also now knew in that moment why she ran away before. 

“What is this?” The girl was surprised and confused, but pretended to sound annoyed. She was caged by Juri’s arm above her shoulder against the wall, forcing her to be at a lower eye level than her. Like a prey, in its predator’s grasp, at its predator’s mercy. 

“I ran away from Shota because you were the one stuck in my head.”

She couldn’t believe what she heard. 

“I ran because I looked for you.” Those words left Hokumi defenseless. Her facade broke down and suddenly in Juri’s eyes she clearly saw a fear that she knew too well. 

“Have you ever loved a girl?” Hokumi broke the ice on the subject. 

Juri fell silent, but Hokumi’s soft whisper was gentle and caressed even the giant monster of fear that haunted Juri, “Don’t be afraid. We have each other. We will get through this together.”

“I just know that I love you.” Her hand slowly reached over, hesitant a few times. She carefully held Hokumi’s face in her hand, barely touching, running her finger tips down her impeccable jawline. 

Those three little letters hit her like a cosmic rush, all at once. It was surreal, and it was like nothing she had ever experienced. But Juri wasn’t finished, “I was late that afternoon because I went to buy a gift for you.” She pulled a tiny box out of nowhere; she had been keeping it close to herself all night. 

Hokumi opened it excitedly but was puzzled almost just as quickly. A thin silver necklace with a round blue charm, dazzled with crystals, “Am I supposed to know what this is?”

“It’s a necklace. That’s a planet. That’s Mercury.” Juri was proud of her own work. 

“And…”

“You’re a Gemini. Mercury’s the guardian star. So I will always be there for you from now on.”

“Shut up.”

Before Juri could disagree, Hokumi grabbed the other girl by the collar and landed a perfect kiss on her lips. Flustered, but quick to react, Juri took it and made it her own, lost in the sea of fireworks and in the lips of each other. 

_ Do you catch a breath when I look at you? _

_ Are you holding back like the way I do? _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
